


my existence is a curse

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 08:36:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A knot of guilt twisted itself inside the pit of his stomach as he began to wonder if the next time she felt this way would be because of something he had done. </p><p>(Post All That Remains, Hawke breaks down)</p>
            </blockquote>





	my existence is a curse

Anders passed through the foyer quietly, taking the stairs to Hawke’s room. He paused briefly at the top step. _Leandra’s door._ He still couldn’t believe what had happened, Leandra and all those other women being pieced together to suit a lunatic’s fantasy of bringing his dead wife back. _What would drive someone to commit such an atrocity? No matter how many women he killed or stitched together it would never truly bring his wife back._ Anders exhaled, shaking his head. _Leandra deserved so much better._

 _She was given Justice. Quentin has paid._ The words echoed in the back of his mind.

_Justice will not bring her back. It won’t help Hawke. Nothing can help pain like this._

Anders went to Hawke’s door, it had been left open and he could see her. She was sitting on her bed, her hands set between her legs, and calmly staring at the wall in front of her. Staring…but not really seeing. Her eyes were blank, as lifeless as when her mother had passed from this realm.

“I know nothing I say will change it…” Anders strode toward her, “I’m just…I’m sorry. You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades, that’s what will matter.”

She didn’t move, she didn’t even acknowledge his presence.

“I…” Her voice cracked. “I’d just rather be alone I think.”

Her eyes never left the wall. Anders wanted nothing more than to reach out, to hold her and tell her everything would be okay but everyone grieved differently and as much as it killed him he would respect her wishes.

“I understand,” he said, turning to leave.

“What if they’re right?” Her words came out as a strained whisper that Anders could hardly make out over the crackling of the fireplace.

“A _Mage_ did this to her. What if we really are a danger to everyone around us?” He was surprised at the bitterness in her tone.

“He was a madman, that’s what made him do this, not magic.”

Anders went back and took a seat next to her on the bed.

“Are you so sure of that?” She stared directly into his eyes, wanting answers that he couldn’t give her.

“I know you’re looking for someone to be angry at. If it helps, go ahead and take it out on me.”

“You don’t know anything,” she said in a huff, pushing herself off the bed to gain distance from him. “I’m not looking for anything from you.”

“I didn’t,” he sighed, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just, I want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what. I know you’re angry, you have every right to be and I’ll do anything I can to help you through this.”

“Yes. I am angry!” She spun around to face him. “I let my _own_ mother die. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most. I was always gone, always getting into some sort of trouble everywhere in this damn city instead of looking out for the people that I was meant to! I should have known what was going on with this supposed ‘suitor’ of hers. I should have done something. When my father died, it was up to _me_ to take care of the family because I was the eldest. He trusted me. Look at how well that has gone. My sister died trying to protect my mother and the rest of us from an ogre. I took Carver to the Deep Roads and he almost died too - the only reason he didn’t is because you were there. Now my mother is _gone_.”

Her voice lowered slightly, “I have failed every single person I was ever meant to protect, and yet I get to live. I don’t deserve it.”

“Don’t say that. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”

“You hardly even knew my mother.”

“No, and I’m sorry for that. I wish I had taken more time to get to know her. She was always kind to me, and I know she had a good heart. That’s why I know she wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. She was proud of you.”

She closed her eyes, leaning her forehead against the mantle of her fireplace.

“I told Gamlen why she died. He said…” she paused, swallowing hard. “He said maybe the Templars are right, lock all the Mages up and throw away the key.”

“ _What?_ He said that to you?” Anders tone was indignant.

“He said I would have been better off if I had ended up like Carver - that magic has always been a curse on this family,” a sickening snicker forced its way from her throat. “He blames me too, you know. He said if I had been quicker, stronger…he’s right.”

“Hawke,” Anders sat up from the bed and went to her side. “That is not true. You did _everything_ you could have. He had no right…” He touched his hand to her shoulder and gently began rubbing her back.

She opened her eyes and pulled herself back from the fireplace, shrugging his hand away from her as she did.

“Except that’s not true, and you know it. If I had done everything I could have, my mother would still be alive.”

She passed by him, going to her desk in the corner of the room. She grabbed onto the edges of the wood so hard her knuckles blanched. She couldn’t even think, couldn’t process that this was real…that this had _actually_ happened. Anders was silent for a moment, looking at her bent form that was turned away from him. He was searching for any sign of what he should do, or what he could say that would make it even a _little_ bit better.

“You couldn’t have known…” he started.

Hawke cut him off before he got the rest of the words out, “Couldn’t have known? _Couldn’t_ have known? What am I any good for if I can't even protect my own mother?!”

Her eyes lingered down at the open journal in front of her, the one she always wrote in when she came home after a night out of fun or a particularly dangerous undertaking with her friends.

“No. I was too busy doing all the things I have written down in this useless journal.”

She slammed the book shut, picked it up, and hurled it right past Anders into the fireplace. Anders instantly called forth a blast of cold from his fingertips that extinguished all the fire inside before the book could be burned. He knew she would have regretted letting it burn it later on. Hawke was so furious; she was biting back the rush of tears that threatened to flow. She wanted to go to sleep and wake up and find that this had all been a terrible dream. She wanted to go back in time to save her mother. She wanted to go back in time and never take Carver to the Deep Roads. She wanted to go back in time to put herself in front of that ogre instead of Bethany. But most of all, she wanted to be _numb._

“He would have kept your mother trapped like that. You freed her. She loved you. You have to remember that.”

“Do you not understand what I did?” An anguished cry suddenly tore from her mouth, “I let him _violate_ her body!"

She didn't even notice she’d moved her hand until it collided with the stone wall.

“She died, right there, in _my_ arms! She died because of magic.”

Her other hand hit the wall. How many times this happened, she didn’t know.  She didn’t hear him pleading with her to stop. The skin around her knuckles peeled and bled, but she didn’t feel that either.

“Why couldn’t I save her?” All she could see through her blurred tears was her mother’s face as she died.

Anders grabbed her waist from behind, pulling her away from the wall, whispering, “Stop. Stop, love. Please, stop.”

Hawke didn’t have the strength to fight back at that point, she didn’t even want to struggle - she just didn’t want to feel like _this._ She crumpled against him, sliding to the floor with him in a tangle of both their limbs. She twisted around within his grasp, positioning her body to face his. Her legs wrapped their way around his waist and her arms snaked behind his neck as she sat in his lap, holding onto him firmly out of an irrational fear that he would disappear if she ever let go. Hawke buried her face in the warmth of his neck and desperately tried to contain the wave of sobs that racked through her entire body every few seconds.

“I’m so sorry there was nothing I could do for her,” he whispered in her ear. “I wish I could have done something, love.” Anders massaged his fingers through her hair and cradled her small body against his securely as each violent tremble rolled and vibrated through her.

 “Why?” she choked on her sobs. “Why did this happen…” Her lips tickled against his neck, causing her words to come out muffled and barely audible.

“Shhh, love. Don’t speak…let it out.”

Anders ran his hands along her back, up her shoulders, and down her arms to her wrists. He lightly tried to tug her wrists out from behind his neck, but she latched onto him tighter and dug her fingers into his hair.

“Let me see,” he whispered.

She relented and pulled back slightly. He took her hands in his, examining her torn and bloody knuckles. A white-blue light of healing energy emanated from Anders’ hand as he trailed his fingers over each laceration in her skin. Hawke watched the flesh knit itself back together until only the dried blood was left as an out of place reminder against her otherwise unmarred hands. He brought each of her hands to his mouth and affectionately kissed each knuckle he had just healed one by one. A steady exhale passed her lips. Anders’ healing always had a soothing effect on her and for a brief moment she felt almost at peace. Anders let her hands fall back to her side and he gently lifted her chin, bringing her eyes to meet with his. Even now, though she was at her breaking point and absolute worst, she was breathtaking to him. Her tears made her blue eyes brighten and sparkle, reminding him of dawn’s morning sun reflecting against the depths of the Waking Sea that bordered Kirkwall. A silence fell over them as they sat on Hawke’s bedroom floor, but their eyes never strayed from one another. There was no need for words now and he knew that this wasn’t something he could heal or attempt to fix - only time would be able to do that.

Anders caressed the side of her cheek with his hand, wiping away each new tear that fell from her eyes with his thumb. He had never seen her this way, never so vulnerable, and it ripped a gaping hole directly into his heart. _Why me? Why did someone like her… choose someone like me?_ A knot of guilt twisted itself inside the pit of his stomach as he began to wonder if the next time she felt this way would be because of something he had done. _Maker, I don’t deserve her._ He’d tried so hard to stay away, to warn her…but nothing worked. _Because I didn’t want it to work,_ he admitted to himself. He knew it was selfish, and his fear of being with her only to end up hurting her still troubled him at times. 

_But I can’t live without her…I’ve tried._

“Anders..” She breathed. His name had never sounded lovelier to him than when it was spoken from her lips, and it banished away every anxious thought from his mind.

“What is it?” He leaned forward, touching his forehead to hers.

“Nothing. I’m just…I’m glad you’re here.”

Anders drew his head back, planting a kiss on her forehead before saying, “There is no one I would rather be with.”

The corners of Hawke’s mouth curved into a half-smile. She pressed both her palms against his cheeks, resting her fingers behind his ears and tangling them in his hair. Anders acted before she did, though, and captured her lips at once in a tender and loving kiss. She pulled back after a moment, glancing towards the bed as she did so. Hawke was exhausted, and he understood her unspoken request. Hawke wrapped her arms back around his neck and he slipped his hands under her thighs, hoisting her up slightly as he stood from the floor and carried her to the bed. He laid her down, and crawled in beside her. Hawke curled up closely to him, slipping her leg between his and draping her arm over his torso. His arms worked their way around her, molding their bodies to a perfect fit together. His chin rested at the tip of her head while her cheek pressed against his chest. Hawke sighed, wearily. She was physically and emotionally drained from everything that happened today. Returning home and coming to the realization that she would never see her mother again, never talk to her, or hug her had taken an incredible toll on her.

“I love you,” she whispered. Having Anders there, holding her, and now laying with her had made all the difference in the world.

“I love you, too. You should try to sleep, love.”

“You’ll be here, when I wake up…right?” It sounded like a question a child would have asked and she knew it, but with Carver gone in the Grey Wardens, besides her other friends, Anders was all she really had left anymore. This scared her to death. She couldn’t handle losing anyone close to her again.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to keep you from the clinic – your patients. If you need to leave early or later you should do that.” 

“I’ll be here. However long you need me.”

“What if I don’t want to get out of bed for a week?” She tried to make her tone light-hearted, but sadly it was true. She didn’t want to deal with the rest of the world, and right now nothing sounded better to her than staying here with him like this.

“Then I suppose I won’t be leaving this bed for a week. I _can_ think of worse things to do with my time,” he chuckled. “Sleep, my love.”

Anders didn’t need to convince her.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few years ago but don't think I ever put it up anywhere, so thought it would be nice to archive it here :)


End file.
